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6 Types of Pakistani Facebook Profile Picture Caption Trends These Days

2 Sep

I’M BACK MOTHAFAKHARS. Anyway, I’ll get straight to the point. I have an Annoyance-Switch, that has been on most of the time since my birth. I get it in viraasat. Like all people with no life, I browse Facebook too and sometimes somethings really catch my eye on the Newsfeed. Annoying things. While there are many, I will pick one of those to analyse today: Facebook Photos and categorise the captioning patterns these days among Pakistanis.
[Due to unfortunate circumstances, I can not use photos of real people whom I have categoriesed so will make do with photos resulting from random Googling]

1. Philosophicals:

They put up a random picture of themselves: smiling, laughing, jhank-ing into the khala, pouting BUT they caption the photo with an overly random and COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT quote (just like their existence).

Picture Example:

auR4aWAh1F2l
Caption Example: ‘A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a leader.’
~ Harry Truman

Pliss to stick with Chacha Ji Coelho quotes, or that ghissi-pitti line ‘We take the love we deserve’ or something. (Replace ‘love’ with ‘food’ and that makes sense for my life).

Or then there’s this:

Picture Example: 

427819_10151084766169018_436333010_n

Caption Example: This picture is our reality, our truth. This poor, famished boy is Pakistan and that kutta he cradles is this nation; left all alone under the blue sky.

 

2. ‘Because ABCDBC’ said so!’

This is a new trend, it calls for you to put up your picture and the caption it by writing ‘Because *name of person* said so!’. Like, WTF does that even mean? SAID WHAT? WHAT?
What is this, Simon Says?!

3. Quote song lyrics.

Quote some random song’s lyrics that are completely irrelevant to your life or picture.

Picture Example:

Pedestrians flag for taxis while standing in the rain in Karachi

Caption Example: ‘Cause this is thrillaah, thrillah night!’

[Actually this makes sense too]

Picture Example Number II:

Asian+Beach+Games+Day+8+Beach+Wrestling+E_BxzlfKyj2l

Caption Example:  When you run away from harm, will you run back into my arms? like you did when you were young. Will you come back to me? And I will hold you tightly, when the hurting kicks in.

4. Hashtag.

This needs no explaining.

Picture Example:

sono laal is a panjabi ,Urdo, pashto top actress,pictures,photos (1)

Caption Example: #Love #Sexy #Beautiful #Me #ShavedArmpits #WaxedArmpits #Tabdeeli #Raiwind
STOP IT.

5. Be all ‘rebellious’.

Caption your photo with some rebellious, dark, deep, the-world-is-against-me type of quote.

Picture Example:

paint1

[MY ALL-TIME-FAVORITE PICTURES RELATED TO THIS INCIDENT]

Caption Example: You can’t see me, my time is now. You can’t see me, my time is now.  [Please don’t judge me, I watched WWE at a time too. ]

6. Heartache:

Picture Example:

0527punjab04

Caption Example: It hurts, it hurts so much. But I will fight, I will fight back

No it doesn’t, you’re in 7th grade. The only real pain you can have at this age is in your tidh. STFU.

In the end, I leave you with this gold and bid your goodbye for now.

D4NNY – Goodbye

Christine Fair: Another Case of Pooping ‘Experts’ Rather Than Exploding Mangoes

28 Nov

Don’t you just hate all the new ‘analysts’ and ‘experts’ on Pakistani Affairs that have popped up [ Or as I say, pooped up ] in recent years, post 9-11?

So only a day back, this ‘Assistant Professor of South Asian pol-mil affairs at Georgetown’ Christine Fair began to comment through her tweets on the NATO Raid that martyred 28 soldiers of ours and began engaging in arguments with the Pakistani Twitterati.

Main Christine tay ay mera nika pra!

Basically, she had just read the PTA Banned List and went all hochi to have heard about those galiyaan and very eager to use them.

Then she tweeted about the attack, in the exact tone of a #495 [ Refer to Urdu List ]:


Clearly, only she has the right to howl as an ode to her identity, which she proudly displays in her picture. But..

Sure, America is very understanding and wouldn’t howl if Pakistan killed their 28 soldiers.
But hey, Pakistani blood is just cheaper y’know. They can all just die, the remaining just shouldn’t howl while I bark on Twitter.

Plus, only an ‘expert’ #74 [ Urdu List ] would mix the ordinary soldiers of Pakistan with the Establishment or Establishment-supported extremist groups.

Anyway, so this guy just tweet-replied her after another dung-ish tweet of hers, which said Pakistan-created Afghan Taliban have killed thousands in Afghanistan so they have no right to mourn their dead soldiers who SHE DOUBTS were innocent, that Pakistanis too have been killed in thousands by terrorists and the Taliban.

So she tweeted in response:

GASP! Those decieving, lying, clever rascals! The Pakistanis, you know each one of them – the fathers, the labourers, the mothers, the little children whose limbs were strewn on the streets after bomb attacks – ALL of them had a part in creating the Taliban! So hey, they are themselves responsible for their death! AND then the ones who remain alive behind, they show their deaths as if they were innocents! BOMB ‘EM ALL.

Ofcourse, BC Uncle Sam had no role in this. He just impregnated Pakistan along with KSA with this illegitimate bastard child called Terrorism and when the baby got all grown up, he just abandoned them and blamed the nuisance on the mother for nurturing him.

[ I do not deny that ZAB supported Hekmatyar back in the 70s and Zia was the Godfather of this child ( or mother, however you take it ) and that the rulers and Establishment had a major rule in taking forward the shameful legacy of terrorism but America’s role in it, no matter how peripheral, can also not be dismissed ]

It was Pakistan that helped to create the Cold War situation and it was Pakistan that kickstarted the Soviet War in Afghanistan and it was Pakistan that thought of Operation Cyclone.
All Uncle Sam did was sit near the Afghan Border and watch while doing muutarwasirjan.


You know I’m not a big fan of our Establishment and I speak, write vehemently against their actions and pangay-baazian but here, I’d just really like ISI to do something about Christine Fair. I swear. She loves them so much that she ascribes everything that happens to them! Probably, even if she has the irritable bowel syndrome.

Continuing:

 

I don’t know if she’s been sleeping with Lal Topi Wala Muskhara or something but pinning the unjust generalization of the act of blaming everything negative that happens in Pakistan on RAW/MOSSAD/ CIA as something that all Pakistanis do – is plain wrong.

Also, let us not forget that Pakistan has been behind every gnikcuf thing on Earth. Pakistan is responsible for Global Warming, the ISI clearly did this by sending its agents all over the world to pollute the air by farting too much or something.

Pakistan has been behind all the economic crises, failed NASA Expeditions, international conflicts and not to mention, Gavrilo Princip was an ISI-sponsored assasin thus Pakistan and ISI set off the events that resulted into World War I – even though Pakistan was not even on the map at that time but WTF, he looked PAKISTANI. That proves it.

So coming back, many from the Pakistani Twitterati kept questioning her on her biased tweets in a manifest politer manner and even challenged her views with facts but hey, when the going gets tough, such goray go LTC.

Yup, Christine Fair decided of using her newly-acquired knowledge from the PTA Banned List on two Pakistanis who had merely done what is aforementioned, with this;

Yes, LTC if you challenge my #399-ish [Urdu List] tweets.

And whats with the D at the end? You’re not spelling London so the D is entirely unrequired. It just ends on the N. Aidi ayi tauu zanana Amir Liaquat!

For those who don’t know, LTC means:

But Christine forgot to tweet this :

IRONY: I am a woman, yet I have an L which I want people to climb on. #TweetLikeChristineFair

For a random moment and at the expense of sounding like Shirin Mazari WITHOUT any sense of xenophobia or hate,  let me just say that I absolutely, utterly, completely and unimaginably get annoyed by Non-Desis speaking tooti-phooti Urdu in their own accents. I have no idea why Desi people are so fascinated by that.

And Christine Fair, you don’t need to go all hyper like a bandaria after reading a Desi Abuse list.

And you should be thankful that the Pakistani Twitterati were sophisticated and tolerant enough to not deluge you with a thousand splendid cuss words in reation to your tweets that had only one tone; vitriolic.

Also, whence debating with someone over their country try to remember that by telling them that they’re uninformed about their land and countering their valid points during a discussion with a vulgar phrase from THEIR language – kindly keep in mind, you make your existence define #451 [ Urdu List ].

We may not be ‘academics’ but we aren’t as low as ones and know our country well enough to the extent that if someone wishes to argue with us about it, we won’t go tell them LTC because our side is weak.

There, my rant ends.

Until then, LTC.

Uh, I meant TTYL.

_____________________________________________________

P.S : All the seemingly-averse things I’ve written about gorayz in this post are supposed to be humour. Unlike an ‘academic’, I nourish no antagonism for any race or people. Only condescending fools like Christopher Hitchens, Tarek Fatah and BChristine Fair bother me. Its people like them that make others go sadistic and they get happy that their country has nukes and these fear them! [ Okay, maybe its just me ]

Waise jistran meri rondi boothi hamesha raendi ae, lagda ae ouday uper e LTC likhaya hoya ae!

P.S #2: Keep your BS view to yourself if you think that mourning the deaths of the soldiers translates into being an Establishment-apologist. I along with many, have mourned the murdered-at-the-hands-of-the-Establishment/Backed-Extremists Hazara, Baloch, Tooris and we mourn the soldiers today.

You are either human or you sympathise and grieve on the basis of caste/creed/race/religion/sect/profession.

Although yes, one would like the same reaction when they [Hazara, Baloch, Tooris etc] are slaughtered.

Pakistanis Don’t Talk About The Three-Letter-Word and Jeanette Khan Is A Dumbass.

9 Jul

So I just read this piece by some Jeanette Khan on Huffington Post titled ‘Lets Talk About Sex Baby, Lets Talk About Sex In Pakistan’.

Because Ms. Khan is probably a female-version of Berlusconi, she goes around asking people ‘Are you a virgin?’ and is Oh-so-shocked that people in Pakistan don’t talk about sex all the time and with everybody.

And sex-education? Whaaa? Atleast let us establish formal education here.

Like Christopher Bitchens [ Yes, that linking was to promote my blog post. ] quotes himself religiously again and again in whatever bitching he does, Ms. Khan here seems to relate the situation of an entire country as tied to her family, cousins, chachiyan and relatives – and she keeps narrating incidents that revolved around them concerning this topic.

Oh and Valima is part of Islamic culture, dumbass.

She’s very, very distressed that flirting for her in Pakistan is either met coldly or stopped.

Its called being ghairat-less here, Ms. Khan.

And she doesn’t understand how staring at some good-looking guy doesn’t look nice. Yeah? You don’t? How about if some peeq-throwing, pot-bellied, balding desi uncle with teeth full of plague and eyes full of lasciviousness kept oogling at you? It look nice then, no? No. Because thats Poondi in Pakistan. Lecherous. Uncle or not, its impolite in all cultures.

[ Another proof of her dumbassivesness ]


‘Cousins are kept apart to dispel interaction’.
‘Not allowed tonot allowed to go to my aunt’s house without the older family members because she lives in a huge joint-family system where there are a number of young adult unmarried men. I am an unmarried young female.’

Whatdapuck?  It might be because of your a-lil-too-evident ‘red-bloodedness’. Once again, your family is NOT the nucleus of the Pakistani world or culture. What happens between them does not auntomatically happen all over the country.

‘That’s not say that men and women don’t date. They do, but always clandestinely.
I’ve seen numerous couples and groups of men and women out eating and enjoying themselves… But those families that allow their children to go out in mixed company are often more liberal and broad-minded. ‘

Wait, so all men and women dining or eating out .. are dating? ‘Clandestinely’? So if err my grandparents go out to eat, thats dating?

And I don’t know whether you visited Pakistan in 1949, but many people let their children go out to mixed concerts and other events etc. Children don’t even ask for their parents’ permission often.

*Children these days, I swear*

The conservativeness involved in this certain subject in Pakistan that you find so jaw-dropping is part of its culture and many other cultures.
We consider it an extremely private matter and just don’t like talking about it with every Tariq, Danish and Harris [ Tom, Dick and Harry – Pakistani style ] or our parents, grandparents, cousins, relatives or chachiyan and mamiyan.

Fine. Sexual taboos such as rape, harrassment etc should be broken here on all forums. I agree.

So the thing is Jeanette dear; with terrorism, inflation, poverty, chaos, target killings, clashes, nationalist movements, loadshedding, gas and water shortages – we have much more to worry and talk about than this three-letter-word.

And you don’t need to bother either whether its explained and talked about to cousins and kids here, because doesn’t the existence of 180 million suffice that people know about it?

P.S : This article just reinforced my hate for Half-Pakistanis [ Is that even a word? ] because either they are wayy too good-looking or complete dumbasses when it comes to Pakistan.

A Picture Worth A Hundred Freaks.

1 May

So the Royal Wedding happened a day or two back, billions were watching on TV around the world while millions were at Hyde Park.

The most-awaited was the Royal Kiss but I know who was looking forward to it the most. This Amma Jee :

 

Usually people when they reach old-age, start bringing themselves closer to God but this woman here – she sends shivers down my spine [ No, not because of what you think ].

She mustered all her strength to go and [ I think she tried to get into the TV ] glue her eyes on the couple when they were kissing. And if you closely analyse her lips which are weirdly curved and her eyes – there seems to lie something perversely psychotic beneath them that reflects. She’s looking at them so umm mazay se?

I dunno but this Amma Jee is err .. has some serious issues.

She freaks me out.

~ HK

P.S : This is a proof that Pakistanis are not extremists. We loveth love.

Its Not Hunter Wali. Its Ms. Hunter Wali.

28 Apr

You see Miss Hunter Wali here?

Ofcourse you do!

She’s not just a Hunter Wali, she’s Miss Hunter Wali. Why?

She symbolises gender equality and support for it [ Notice the big, black boots and Superman-wala flap – women can wear ’em too ].

She signifies parity of ability and potential between the two sexes [ The whip, yes women can whip too ]

She personifies style!  [ Not a single designer till now, has that of more chic yellow shirt-with-back-flap, belt stitched with the blue jacket-looking-thing outfit that she’s wearing. And she’s sporting that boyish hairdo with those curly hair with that red lipstick! And she’s not even pouting like those carcasses of today … Yes, I meant models. ]

She shuns the age-old tradition of losing weight. [ The black shorts-like-cloth on her thighs is to highlight this ]

Because weight ain’t nothing but your fate draped in some flesh [ If you don’t get this, then sorry, you’re just not philosophical enough]

Above all, Miss Hunter Wali is an emodiment of the fight against oppression of women! That whip is for all those male chauvinists, misogynists and men who view females as toys or lesser beings with no rights.

At the end of the day, all of these men are born of a woman and you always have Miss Hunter Wali with that whip to remind them that.

Miss Hunter Wali for President.

~ HK

Cut Afridi Some Slack.

10 Apr

So there has been alot of hullabaloo over Afridi’s ‘Indians can never be as large-hearted as us Pakistanis’ statement.

I admit, it was very irresponsible of him to say such a thing. Wrong for someone of his status. It was unmindful but err, hanging onto it like he just said something about attacking India?

He said ‘Muslims and Pakistanis’ – don’t we all talk of ‘Muslims’ as synonymous to the word ‘Pakistanis’?

 

And he mentioned Allah too; don’t we usually do that in our conversations? Just like any Hindu would say Bhagwan? A Christian would say God or Lord? There’s no need to include a war of religions in this, only bhangis like NFP would do that.                                                          

As far as that large-hearted point is, it stems from alot of obvious reasons and the Indian media occupies the largest place among them.

From the Indian media hyping the Semi as a full-fledged war between India and Pakistan, degrading Pakistan’s Team [ that too by ridiculous claims :- Kala Pathar ], raising a cry over Afridi saying Sachin will have to wait till the next World Cup to make his hundredth 100 [ Aur kia kehta? Aayie Sachin Bhai, hamaray khilaf apni century banaye? ] , making a montage of the scandals and controversies that hit our Team last year and showing it every 5 minutes, replaying Rehman Malik’s full-of-cow-dung ‘warning’ to our Team every 10th second.

Ravi Shastri saying comparing Pakistan’s Team to the Indian Team is equivalent to comparing a rickshaw with a BMW, Gambhir dedicating the Semi win to the victims of the 26/11 attack [ Oh and he also said : “Once on a trip to Jammu, I met some army men. They told me whatever we do, whoever we play; we should never lose to Pakistan. One of them was posted at the Indo-Pak border and was so emotional that he suggested that I should have a tattoo on my body saying, “I will never lose to Pakistan”. It’s not on my body but is etched on my heart and soul.” Now THAT is some real smart thing to say and don’t feed me that ‘He’s not the Captain of the Indian Team’ crap. ]

And broadcasting that ‘advice’ of ShahRukh Khan to Dhoni in a dinner for cricketers WHILE Afridi was sitting at the front, that he should light a fire in the backs of Pakistani players while wicket keeping [ Now I know, why Sahir Lodhi is his counterpart here ] :

Watch from 10:10 onwards and then 11:56 :

Also, while there were countless good-hearted Indian fans at Mohali at the Semi – one couldn’t help noticing the ones showing middle fingers to Pakistani players, falling silent or boo-ing when we took wickets.

 Of course, thats fine because Pakistanis don’t have feelings at all.

The afore-mentioned are most probably why Afridi made that statement. He had it all bottled up and a Pathan’s gotta say what a Pathan’s gotta say.

Oh and I can’t spare our media either here.

Since the moment Afridi arrived, they’ve been asking him questions about the Indian media [ I mean what did you expect of him to say? India’s media’s been really supportive? ] and Afridi was exhausted, tired, jaded from the defeat. That constant questioning provoked him to give an answer which our media wanted.

[ C’mon, even a British PM can lose his cool. ]

Media on both sides of the border needs to get chitroled.

[ Also note, that question to which he answered was about the INDIAN MEDIA not INDIAN FANS. He didn’t even know that it’d recieve more attention than Ex Indian Army Chief Deepak Kapoor’s ‘Cold Start’, statements especially in Pakistan.]

Alot of people commented on pieces relating to this majra by talking of ‘What can you expect from a man who bites a ball?’ and Afridi’s scruples.

Umm, scruples? What are you all? Saints who gauge one’s scruples and morals? That ball-tampering issue, he bit into the ball but it wasn’t even used. [ I remember once watching this movie where this student gets caught on a phone during an exam and his teacher catches him for cheating, he says it ain’t cheating because ‘Ashanti’s answer was wrong.’ Ashanti’s the girl on the phone btw. So the same way, the ball wasn’t used ] So what I’m trying to say is, he just bit into the ball. Period. And he apologized several times after it unlike someone.

If you have to judge his scruples, judge it from his character in cricket. Not a single match-fixing or any allegation as such.

Some Pakistani writers made good, rational points in the line of constructive criticism about Afridi’s statement. About  how he shouldn’t mix things up but others who kept branding him as the ‘Next politician in Pakistan’ etc – aap sab ka mamaay MNA lagay huay hain jo aap ko bara pata hai?

The Indian media also jumped and called Afridi a ‘Terrorist’ after displaying the following pictures.

 [Can’t blame ’em waise, they’re used to those gali kay Khans who hardly look like Pathans]

 

 

                                                              [ Hold a snake. LIKE A BOSS!]

                                            [ This one’s for Shahrukh Khan’s big ‘ole ]

 

So what I’m trying to say is, Afridi did not go to India to solve the Bhasha Dam issue or fix Indo-Pak relations. He went there to play cricket and if he made a humble statement  before which was not his duty to make, its his meherbani.

 

He made a careless statement and it should’nt have been taken as if Mullah Omar said something.  

Those taking the whole thing too far and acting like it damaged Indo-Pak relations greatly [ As if they were on an all-time high before and Afridi just said something about nuking ], kindly eat the manure that fills your head and chill the faeces out.

 

[ About time, you cut me some slack.]

Cut him some slack.

And Lala, dontcha’ worry – Lala Loyalists got your back!

I defend my brother, Lala Apreeday and the fact that he’s a human and can make mistakes as much as all of us. People’ve made him realize the effects of what he spoke but acting as if he spoke of World War III is wrong.

What Lala thinks about his statement and all the issue after it.

 

[ See? Even claps for someone who lies about Shaiby]

~ HK

Why YOU Should Be Proud of The Incredible Eleven!

31 Mar

So alot is being said about Pakistan’s loss to India in yesterday’s World Cup Semifinal, some praising the team while others being typical and cursing them.

Someone’s actually filed a petition in the Lahore High Court against the Pakistan cricket team on charges of match-fixing in the semi-final match.

While nobody denies we played poor cricket yesterday, but we achieved much more than our loss. 

People blaming Afridi, what is wrong with you? Yes, he can not bat well and yes, he does make unfavourable decisions at times but I’d just defend him by quoting Ramiz Raja:

“Though Afridi couldn’t win the World Cup, but for 30 days, he made this country a nation.”

 

 

They beat Kenya, Canada, Sri Lanka in Colombo, Zimbabwe, they finished the 35-match streak of 3-time World Cup Champions Australia, defeated West Indies and topped their table by amazing performances!

 

Our Captain is the leading wicket-taker of this tournanment!

According to a site, Shahid Afridi’s 5-16 is the best bowling figures in the match against Kenya by a captain in the history of World Cup.

Deprived of World-Cup hosting rights, under a thoroughly pathetic cricket board with rife corruption and unprofessionalism, losing complete series, players convicted of spot-fixing, a runaway wicket-keeper, global humiliation, a faltered and demoralised team with a Captain announced only 10 days before the WC began – who would’ve thought they’d make it to the World Cup Semifinals by blazing victories? THIS IS CALLED WINNING!

Above all; Afridi XI binded this country of continous arguments, differences, separate classes, sects, religions, creeds and ethnicities into ONE nation. A proud and patriotic nation. Something which leaders have failed to do since the past 63 years.

 

The atmosphere that was created in Pakistan some days before the Semi was surreal, Pakistaniyat was in the air.

And Afridi, need not apologise. He built up a team which had turned to ashes, he put in his sincere efforts, he gave us reasons to raise our heads high and the sole reason that he belongs to Pakistan, is a source of pride for us. Thank you Lala, you are and will be the Champion for us.

So Pakistanis, be proud of your Team!

Those Incredible Bunch of Eleven!

Give ’em a memorable homecoming! For once, don’t hate. But appreciate them!

[ Remember when South Africa lost to Australia in the ’99 WC and how their people recieved them? ]

AND INDEED TEAM PAKISTAN, YOU LOSE OR WIN – WE LOVE YOU!

~ HK

 

P.S : That Indian Tota that predicted Pakistan would win the World Cup, fraudi tha sala!

He lied and thus got killed, jaisi karni waisi bharni.

P.S # 2 : The guy who filed the petition and asked to check Afridi’s call records, dude – you’re truly high on cow dung to file such a thing in the Lahore High Court.

P.S # 3 : All Misbah-lovers or Afridi haters or whoever you are, I genuinely consider Afridi as my brother and if I’m willing to come under a truck for him, I’ll respect you too [ LOL jK, I’m willing to push you under the very truck too ] so y’ll better respect Afridi and stop acting like Jamshed Dastis who spitted [ he actually spits while speaking ] hate against Younis after our loss in the Semi of the Champions Trophy of ’09 that ended up at him leaving the captaincy.

P.S # 4 : If not proud, be happy that atleast the Hamid Mir lame-ass analysm on cricket finished.

Updated :

STOP spreading that text of how Gilani fixed the match and took 7 Arab for it [ Match tha ya Burj Khalifa bananay kee raqam? ] and how Misbah, Younas, Umer Gul and the Akmals were involved in it and Gilani threatened Afridi to be involved too but he refused and blah. Seriously, how creative can people get here?

Fine, I get you hate the Government [ Maybe next time use your brain and not elect them? ] but making such crap up is hilariously sad. Where’s the proof?

And hello? People watching matches for the first time and forwarding this rumour, just because Misbah, Younas and Umer Gul played poorly in the Semi DOES NOT mean they were ‘bought’. These players have a clean reputation and cricketing careers that are without blotches. Amir, Asif and Butt were convicted but a few black sheep in a group does not imply the entire group is full of ’em. Our players came under pressure and played those typical shots that they do under pressure, it does NOT mean they fixed the match.

South Africa are chokers, had they belonged to a Pakistani nation – we would’ve ripped them to shreds with our moronic allegations. You’re just making a dolt out of yourselves by these texts and degrading the Incredible Eleven. Kindly visit TryToAcceptADefeatWithoutConspiraciesDotCom.